leaving

When I was first going through cycles of manic depression I was discovering that I was hyperactive in the spring and then dead depressed on the opposite end of the calendar which is fall. When the seasons signify such massive changes in your outlook on your personal reality, you become very tuned in to them. After a couple of years of manic depression I remember when fall was just showing the first signs of falling I would be consumed with dread. I knew I was about to become consumed with self hatred, indecision and confusion. As the shadows became longer on the ground, due to the angle of the sun at that time of year, I would feel absolutely helpless. I would see the trees colors change and I would know that I was soon to experience my own internal withering. This fear would make my body feel weird like I was floating. I would go to sleep earlier and earlier because I was tired. Years later I was able to get my chemistry back into control. More recently I was able to enjoy fall for the first time without all consuming fear. It now is a massive relief to go into the winter without these problems. This piece reflects a celebration of the privilege of being able to enjoy fall again without the oppressive stigma.